6 Months.....And Counting!

Okay, I'm getting to be a terrible blogger.

Since my last post, not much has happened with me except for the fact that I've been going to work each day and coming home. That, and I usually frequent Dunwoody, where Chan and his sister (and some of our friends) live.

I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. Most of the time, I don't really have a lot of people around to talk to. Chan's been trying to help me with that, honestly. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings (especially those that pertain to him), so lately we've been arguing. I'm frustrated. I can't seem to get used to the fact that a guy actually wants to pay attention to me. In the past, I've been with a bunch of guys who just never cared.

Hence my irritation. I'm not used to having someone actually give a crap about why I'm in a depressive state, or in a very angry one. I'm used to getting really pissed with one person (and then having that person follow me around the house, yelling at me and feeding off my anger, which in turn makes me more angry that he's mad and following me......and it turns into this long, exhausting, vicious cycle.

My frustrations center around Chan lately. We've been having issues communicating. We both are of the single mindset where we bottle everything up until something triggers an explosion, which usually ends up hurting the ones we love the most. My irritation with Chan lately has been centered around the fact that we're both being hypocrites.

We're working on working it out, though, because we've both realized that what we have is rare and we both want this to be a good thing, and for us to grow as a couple.

That being said, I have a lot of insecurities about relationships. Mine have been less than stellar. I'm working on trying to learn from my mistakes in my other relationships while trying to not repeat them with Chan. We are celebrating our 6 month anniversary today (can you believe it? I know I can't!) and we're going on a mini roadtrip to see some friends of ours for a party at their apartment to celebrate their graduating from college.

Part of my problem with my relationship: I'm having to be integrated into a very close knit family. My own isn't really all that affectionate. My sister is married and has her own life, so I hardly ever see her (that, and she's 7 and 1/2 years older than me....although all of this stuff I'm saying isn't meant to be negative), and my dad is working through his own problems and has Connie, his fiance'. I'm usually on my own in dealing with stuff, because I can't exactly talk to them due to their busy schedules.

Then there's Chan's family. His sister is very sweet, and is a little younger than me. She understands where I'm coming from with my emotions (usually regarding her brother) and is willing to listen. Their mom is pretty cool as well. She's very sweet and has been very accepting of me. Their dad I don't know very well, but he seems nice when I see him. The whole family is very affectionate with one another and that's what's taking me some getting used to. That, and the fact that I'm still sometimes sore about my mother's death doesn't help either. Especially since his mom is so sweet.

It kind of messes me up because I have purposefully filed memories of my mom away in a corner of my heart. Being around his mom kind of makes me realize what I'm missing from my life (my mother was the staple of our family) and it's kind of making me replay old memories and I often go into a state of distress.

Acceptance is key....and I've got to learn to continue to move on.

Work has also not been very kind lately. I've been severely cut back at work, so I'm not making as much money as I'm used to. They are not being as civil as they used to be. We're slower now because we don't have that many appointments rolling in, so the stress from that is totally killing the atmosphere. We had a change in management recently and the new practice manager (even though I'm really trying to stay out of her way/be nice to her at all times/help out and go beyond my job description) and I aren't getting along. She's also head technician, so I realize she's under a lot of stress as well.

Chan's been trying to get me to get a job closer to Dunwoody so it would be easier for me to visit and maybe would help to keep my stress level as low as possible. With all of these new changes that we want to start making, I'm getting very stressed/depressed. I've realized that my job doesn't really make me happy anymore. I mean, I still love my animals, but what I really don't like is the hostile environment. It puts a lot of stress on the workers, and then NO ONE is happy.

I've been antisocial as well. I don't have a lot of energry lately because work zaps most everything I have out of me, and I don't really want to deal with anyone's craziness or bullshit. Chan is really enough of "craziness" I can handle on a good day. It's nothing personal, but I'm trying to work to change that behavior. It'll make Chan happier, but it'll also benefit me too.....because I'd like to have some new friends, maybe even a change of scenery.

Well, it's late. More later.