Permanent December (Don't Try To Change Me).

Okay, the past month and a half has been the hardest to get through.

First of all, I lost my job AND Chan in the span of a month. However, I've decided to be an optimist about the whole thing. Chan was growing increasingly upset as our relationship progressed. We fought all the time about pointless things. We just weren't happy.

On my job: Well, I basically lost it because I was walking around after my nasty breakup with Chan two days before like someone had run over my dog. I couldn't function. I had lost my love and best friend. I was already miserable before I started dating Chan. I had a job I absolutely despised. I felt like the biggest failure. All of my friends were going off to college and doing new and exciting things. I felt like the biggest loser because here I was, 22 and living at home, with no college degree (no plans to return to college). Chan made me feel good about myself because he didn't seem to care that I wasn't in college. He understood I had no means to do so. He understood my situation. And yet, with all the sweet things he was trying to do for me, I still slid into a deeper depression. So when I lost my job, I was stunned. However, I quickly jumped into action. The day I lost my job, I updated my resume and literally went everywhere I could think of and filled out applications/sent out my resume. I ended up being unemployed for a grand total of 3 days, and hired and working again by day 4. I currently work for Fanatic Fanz, a sports apparel and accessory franchise. I absolutely love it! The atmosphere is so much better. The people are so much nicer, and the work is less physically taxing. The thing about my working at a vet was, I was the only one strong enough to lift 100+ pound dogs by myself. I was starting to exhibit joint issues, and my back was constantly giving me trouble. For a while there, I could hardly move my neck without it hurting. With this new job, I rarely have to lift heavy things. My back and joints are recovering nicely. I was offered a position at our newest location on top of working at Mall of Georgia, and I start tomorrow. Everything is slowly falling into place.

On Chan: Let me make this very, very clear: I still love him very, very much. More than I should, really...and more than I would ever tell him. I hate to say it, but our breakup was a good thing. It pushed me to try to get some help....try to rebuild my life from the ground up to be a better, and more positive version of me. I'm getting to spend some quality time getting to know my friends again, and try to be more active in their lives. I'm ignoring my previous thoughts that I was a loser and failure because at the end of the day, they are in the same boat (or some of them are, anyway, that have just graduated) that I was a few months ago.... unemployed, and struggling to find a job. I have sympathy, really. I know how hard and competitive the workforce is. For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook and have seen some of my cruel statuses and notes regarding Chan, that was just my pain shining through. I still love him, and I still want him. However, I know that the sun has set on that relationship. If the situation would arise that Chan wanted me when he was sure he was ready (and happy with himself and where his life was) I would happily try again. However, I know he has a long road ahead, as he is still in school and has an impending (and daunting) job search ahead of him. He taught me so many things about myself I never knew....that I had it in me to love someone to the tips of my fingers and toes, to the fact that letting go of my past is something that's long overdue. That's where my depression mostly stems from: my past. He also taught me that not all men are evil. I might have run in to quite a bit of trouble in the dating world (and outside of it in the friendship world with one person in particular), but he showed me that he was patient and kind, willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him. Gentle, but firm when he needed to be. I wouldn't trade a minute with him....or any of our kisses, memories, etc....for anything.

However, I'm living my life for ME now. That's long overdue. I'm looking to the future with an open mind. However, I'd be lying if I were to say that my heart feels like it's still Chan's. And I'm comfortable with keeping it that way. We're just friends now. I'm so glad for that. After all, we started out being friends first. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want...but if you try you just might find....you get what you need". I believe I need to be his friend now. It may not be what I want, but I don't think I could handle being without him. He's been through my darkest hours with me. I owe him my deepest gratitude.

Life's what you make it.....so MAKE IT ROCK!