Of Weekend Parties and Nightmares....

Okay, this weekend Chan and I went with his sister and her boyfriend Lang to Milledgeville (Georgia College and State University). Our friends Natalie and Cory were having a last hurrah in their apartment because Cory graduated from college, and Natalie is moving to Atlanta. We left on Friday afternoon and concluded our trip Sunday afternoon. It was really a lot of fun. It went as follows:
Friday: It was Chan and my 6 month anniversary. We got to Milledgeville to spend some time with Cory at home before all the other people got there. Gradually, when people started showing up, Chan and I separated to do our own thing for dinner to celebrate "us", while the others stayed in and ordered pizza and drank beer while watching movies and playing some Left 4 Dead on XBox 360. We had a nice dinner and came home to continue hanging out, then went to bed early.
Saturday: We all slept in pretty late, and then we decided (minus Kayla) that we were going swimming in the nearby river. Cory brought Justin, who is kind of an interesting match for her (I don't really know what to call him exactly) who decided that he was going to fight the current and swim across the river to a place where there was an outcropping of rocks and cement sticking out of the water. He jumped in and failed, the current taking him further down until he was able to grab ahold of a delapidated bridge. He then tried to swim back across the river back to us, but got caught again and ended up having to float partways down the river until he could find a place to get out. Natalie and I decided we were going to try to make it to Justin's outcropping, and so we swam (which wasn't easy, mind you) across the river and made it. Luckily, Natalie and I have had years of experience on our side to help us with it. Eventually, Lang (Ena's boyfriend) decided to join us. The three of us were just chilling on the outcropping for a few minutes.
Here comes my nightmare:
Chan's hydrophobic. I guess because he saw Natalie, Lang, and my journey across the lake, he thought he'd try it. Natalie and I were chilling out watching everyone when we saw Chan get into the water. I turned to Natalie and asked, "Wait....isn't he hydrophobic?" but he seemed to be doing okay, so we left him be and watched as he tried to swim towards us. He got about a quarter of the way before I noticed he started breaking rhythm. I knew that if he did, the current would take him. Sure enough, he was tiring out and the current started drifting him away from us. I jumped back in the water and started swimming towards him. He was starting to panic because he was tiring out and had no energy. He grabbed onto me while I tried to make sure we both kept our heads above the water, but he wasn't really helping me stay afloat. I kept reassuring him that he was going to be okay. It was all I could do. I could hear the rest of the group from the shore yelling at us. Lang had jumped in the water (along with Justin) to try and help us both. Chan eventually let go of me and floated down the river, while Lang swam ahead of us to try to find a safe place for us to get out. I don't know, but somehow I ended up being far away (ahead) of everyone else because I was the one actually swimming around with the current, which had eventually calmed back down. Cory had ran down the banks to find me and encourage me to a place where it would be safe for me to get out (away from copperhead holes), where Lang had apparently told Justin and Chan to get out. I grabbed Cory's shoes she offered and ran down the banks to where Chan was.....and didn't leave him alone the rest of the weekend. I had a rough night sleeping that night. I kept dreaming that I didn't get to him in time. Chan must've realized what was going on during the night because he told me later that I had tossed and turned a lot and grabbed onto him in my sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how freaked out I was.
Sunday: We all slept late again and packed to go home. Chan and I went home first, with Lauren, Lang and Ena following. We spent the afternoon at Lang's apartment playing Mario Galaxy 2 and then watching Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay. All in all, despite the whole "River Fiasco" as I call it......it was a great weekend.

6 Months.....And Counting!

Okay, I'm getting to be a terrible blogger.

Since my last post, not much has happened with me except for the fact that I've been going to work each day and coming home. That, and I usually frequent Dunwoody, where Chan and his sister (and some of our friends) live.

I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. Most of the time, I don't really have a lot of people around to talk to. Chan's been trying to help me with that, honestly. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings (especially those that pertain to him), so lately we've been arguing. I'm frustrated. I can't seem to get used to the fact that a guy actually wants to pay attention to me. In the past, I've been with a bunch of guys who just never cared.

Hence my irritation. I'm not used to having someone actually give a crap about why I'm in a depressive state, or in a very angry one. I'm used to getting really pissed with one person (and then having that person follow me around the house, yelling at me and feeding off my anger, which in turn makes me more angry that he's mad and following me......and it turns into this long, exhausting, vicious cycle.

My frustrations center around Chan lately. We've been having issues communicating. We both are of the single mindset where we bottle everything up until something triggers an explosion, which usually ends up hurting the ones we love the most. My irritation with Chan lately has been centered around the fact that we're both being hypocrites.

We're working on working it out, though, because we've both realized that what we have is rare and we both want this to be a good thing, and for us to grow as a couple.

That being said, I have a lot of insecurities about relationships. Mine have been less than stellar. I'm working on trying to learn from my mistakes in my other relationships while trying to not repeat them with Chan. We are celebrating our 6 month anniversary today (can you believe it? I know I can't!) and we're going on a mini roadtrip to see some friends of ours for a party at their apartment to celebrate their graduating from college.

Part of my problem with my relationship: I'm having to be integrated into a very close knit family. My own isn't really all that affectionate. My sister is married and has her own life, so I hardly ever see her (that, and she's 7 and 1/2 years older than me....although all of this stuff I'm saying isn't meant to be negative), and my dad is working through his own problems and has Connie, his fiance'. I'm usually on my own in dealing with stuff, because I can't exactly talk to them due to their busy schedules.

Then there's Chan's family. His sister is very sweet, and is a little younger than me. She understands where I'm coming from with my emotions (usually regarding her brother) and is willing to listen. Their mom is pretty cool as well. She's very sweet and has been very accepting of me. Their dad I don't know very well, but he seems nice when I see him. The whole family is very affectionate with one another and that's what's taking me some getting used to. That, and the fact that I'm still sometimes sore about my mother's death doesn't help either. Especially since his mom is so sweet.

It kind of messes me up because I have purposefully filed memories of my mom away in a corner of my heart. Being around his mom kind of makes me realize what I'm missing from my life (my mother was the staple of our family) and it's kind of making me replay old memories and I often go into a state of distress.

Acceptance is key....and I've got to learn to continue to move on.

Work has also not been very kind lately. I've been severely cut back at work, so I'm not making as much money as I'm used to. They are not being as civil as they used to be. We're slower now because we don't have that many appointments rolling in, so the stress from that is totally killing the atmosphere. We had a change in management recently and the new practice manager (even though I'm really trying to stay out of her way/be nice to her at all times/help out and go beyond my job description) and I aren't getting along. She's also head technician, so I realize she's under a lot of stress as well.

Chan's been trying to get me to get a job closer to Dunwoody so it would be easier for me to visit and maybe would help to keep my stress level as low as possible. With all of these new changes that we want to start making, I'm getting very stressed/depressed. I've realized that my job doesn't really make me happy anymore. I mean, I still love my animals, but what I really don't like is the hostile environment. It puts a lot of stress on the workers, and then NO ONE is happy.

I've been antisocial as well. I don't have a lot of energry lately because work zaps most everything I have out of me, and I don't really want to deal with anyone's craziness or bullshit. Chan is really enough of "craziness" I can handle on a good day. It's nothing personal, but I'm trying to work to change that behavior. It'll make Chan happier, but it'll also benefit me too.....because I'd like to have some new friends, maybe even a change of scenery.

Well, it's late. More later.