Permanent December (Don't Try To Change Me).

Okay, the past month and a half has been the hardest to get through.

First of all, I lost my job AND Chan in the span of a month. However, I've decided to be an optimist about the whole thing. Chan was growing increasingly upset as our relationship progressed. We fought all the time about pointless things. We just weren't happy.

On my job: Well, I basically lost it because I was walking around after my nasty breakup with Chan two days before like someone had run over my dog. I couldn't function. I had lost my love and best friend. I was already miserable before I started dating Chan. I had a job I absolutely despised. I felt like the biggest failure. All of my friends were going off to college and doing new and exciting things. I felt like the biggest loser because here I was, 22 and living at home, with no college degree (no plans to return to college). Chan made me feel good about myself because he didn't seem to care that I wasn't in college. He understood I had no means to do so. He understood my situation. And yet, with all the sweet things he was trying to do for me, I still slid into a deeper depression. So when I lost my job, I was stunned. However, I quickly jumped into action. The day I lost my job, I updated my resume and literally went everywhere I could think of and filled out applications/sent out my resume. I ended up being unemployed for a grand total of 3 days, and hired and working again by day 4. I currently work for Fanatic Fanz, a sports apparel and accessory franchise. I absolutely love it! The atmosphere is so much better. The people are so much nicer, and the work is less physically taxing. The thing about my working at a vet was, I was the only one strong enough to lift 100+ pound dogs by myself. I was starting to exhibit joint issues, and my back was constantly giving me trouble. For a while there, I could hardly move my neck without it hurting. With this new job, I rarely have to lift heavy things. My back and joints are recovering nicely. I was offered a position at our newest location on top of working at Mall of Georgia, and I start tomorrow. Everything is slowly falling into place.

On Chan: Let me make this very, very clear: I still love him very, very much. More than I should, really...and more than I would ever tell him. I hate to say it, but our breakup was a good thing. It pushed me to try to get some help....try to rebuild my life from the ground up to be a better, and more positive version of me. I'm getting to spend some quality time getting to know my friends again, and try to be more active in their lives. I'm ignoring my previous thoughts that I was a loser and failure because at the end of the day, they are in the same boat (or some of them are, anyway, that have just graduated) that I was a few months ago.... unemployed, and struggling to find a job. I have sympathy, really. I know how hard and competitive the workforce is. For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook and have seen some of my cruel statuses and notes regarding Chan, that was just my pain shining through. I still love him, and I still want him. However, I know that the sun has set on that relationship. If the situation would arise that Chan wanted me when he was sure he was ready (and happy with himself and where his life was) I would happily try again. However, I know he has a long road ahead, as he is still in school and has an impending (and daunting) job search ahead of him. He taught me so many things about myself I never knew....that I had it in me to love someone to the tips of my fingers and toes, to the fact that letting go of my past is something that's long overdue. That's where my depression mostly stems from: my past. He also taught me that not all men are evil. I might have run in to quite a bit of trouble in the dating world (and outside of it in the friendship world with one person in particular), but he showed me that he was patient and kind, willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him. Gentle, but firm when he needed to be. I wouldn't trade a minute with him....or any of our kisses, memories, etc....for anything.

However, I'm living my life for ME now. That's long overdue. I'm looking to the future with an open mind. However, I'd be lying if I were to say that my heart feels like it's still Chan's. And I'm comfortable with keeping it that way. We're just friends now. I'm so glad for that. After all, we started out being friends first. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want...but if you try you just might find....you get what you need". I believe I need to be his friend now. It may not be what I want, but I don't think I could handle being without him. He's been through my darkest hours with me. I owe him my deepest gratitude.

Life's what you make it.....so MAKE IT ROCK!

Independence...sort of.

So, this last week I've been slowly cutting the old apron strings that a certain parental unit has decided to tie around me.

How did I do that, pray tell? I got my very own cell phone and cell phone plan.

That, in itself, was a retarded adventure. I had been telling Chan for months that I would like to get my own plan and phone in the hopes of building credit and possibly working my way to getting to move out of the house. Chan had offered to help with this on several occasions, convincing me that I should go with his carrier, AT&T. I'm currently on Verizon, having changed FROM AT&T two years ago due to AT&T's uncanny ability to lose coverage when I needed it most.

Exhibit A: I had to get in my bed at college (which was lofted) and then do some very interesting acrobatics/acts of contortionism in order to get my phone to work. I had absolutely no coverage with AT&T for two years during my freshman and sophomore years. My friend Angela, who also had AT&T, found it very hard to talk to me. I could only get in a spot and stay still for 5 minutes before I would completely lose her.

With Verizon, I had no problems. The quality of the phones were even better. Hell, the phone I had for almost all of my two year contract with them lasted a year and a half, when I went to dinner with Angela (while talking to Chan during dinner via text messaging) and I looked down in my lap to see that my phone was off.

Puzzled, I asked Angela if she saw me turn my phone off. When she said no, I tried to turn the phone back on. It gave me the screen of death (the mulitcolored background you get from a dying TV or when they do emergency testing) and refused to turn back on again. The new phone I had is still going, but I kind of hate it.

Anyway, I befriended the manager of the Verizon Cellular Sales kiosk somehow. Angela and I had gone in to see how much it would cost me to get my own plan. The guy (who is totally awesome and I highly recommend him to any new Verizon customers) told me he'd sell me the phone for less than the asking price, and that the only thing I would have to pay for THAT day would be the phone. I chickened out, but he told me to keep his number just in case I decided to go into it sometime in the future.

And here's where the mess from hell begins.

I told Chan last Wednesday to be at my house at 10:00 so that we could go get me a cell phone plan. Chan showed up at my house (tired, as per usual) and we set off in search of a plan. We went to Best Buy Mobile and started getting things set up, when I discovered (to my shock) that there was a major roadblock: AT&T was going to charge me $500 to start up a line (not including the phone) due to my having no credit. We then went to a real AT&T retail store and got the same answer.

Pissed, I then remembered what the guy from the Verizon Sales Kiosk said, and I dug the number out of my wallet and called. The guy took a minute to remember who I was (since it was almost 2 months since I last saw him) but he remembered because of the shirt I was wearing that day, and my overly giggly friend Angela. He told me he'd be at the store at 4, and to come by and we'd negotiate things.

Since we were already headed to the mall (and it was noon) we decided to eat some lunch and then putz around the mall. We called a friend of his (who is totally nice, by the way) and we hung out around Barnes and Noble having debates over various things. He came with us to see the Verizon guy....and Chan and Brent watched us as we negotiated.

I went with the LG enV Touch. I absolutely LOVE it! It holds its battery charge very well, and I can easily access the internet if need be. He got me a deal to where I would only have to pay $175/$200 for it, and I'd get a $100 mail in rebate. The best part was, I didn't have to pay a dime to start the line up, AND he waived some of the charges just because I came to see him.

This is why I totally love Verizon. <3

All in all, the whole trip was successful, even though I hit a roadblock and whatever.

Of Weekend Parties and Nightmares....

Okay, this weekend Chan and I went with his sister and her boyfriend Lang to Milledgeville (Georgia College and State University). Our friends Natalie and Cory were having a last hurrah in their apartment because Cory graduated from college, and Natalie is moving to Atlanta. We left on Friday afternoon and concluded our trip Sunday afternoon. It was really a lot of fun. It went as follows:
Friday: It was Chan and my 6 month anniversary. We got to Milledgeville to spend some time with Cory at home before all the other people got there. Gradually, when people started showing up, Chan and I separated to do our own thing for dinner to celebrate "us", while the others stayed in and ordered pizza and drank beer while watching movies and playing some Left 4 Dead on XBox 360. We had a nice dinner and came home to continue hanging out, then went to bed early.
Saturday: We all slept in pretty late, and then we decided (minus Kayla) that we were going swimming in the nearby river. Cory brought Justin, who is kind of an interesting match for her (I don't really know what to call him exactly) who decided that he was going to fight the current and swim across the river to a place where there was an outcropping of rocks and cement sticking out of the water. He jumped in and failed, the current taking him further down until he was able to grab ahold of a delapidated bridge. He then tried to swim back across the river back to us, but got caught again and ended up having to float partways down the river until he could find a place to get out. Natalie and I decided we were going to try to make it to Justin's outcropping, and so we swam (which wasn't easy, mind you) across the river and made it. Luckily, Natalie and I have had years of experience on our side to help us with it. Eventually, Lang (Ena's boyfriend) decided to join us. The three of us were just chilling on the outcropping for a few minutes.
Here comes my nightmare:
Chan's hydrophobic. I guess because he saw Natalie, Lang, and my journey across the lake, he thought he'd try it. Natalie and I were chilling out watching everyone when we saw Chan get into the water. I turned to Natalie and asked, "Wait....isn't he hydrophobic?" but he seemed to be doing okay, so we left him be and watched as he tried to swim towards us. He got about a quarter of the way before I noticed he started breaking rhythm. I knew that if he did, the current would take him. Sure enough, he was tiring out and the current started drifting him away from us. I jumped back in the water and started swimming towards him. He was starting to panic because he was tiring out and had no energy. He grabbed onto me while I tried to make sure we both kept our heads above the water, but he wasn't really helping me stay afloat. I kept reassuring him that he was going to be okay. It was all I could do. I could hear the rest of the group from the shore yelling at us. Lang had jumped in the water (along with Justin) to try and help us both. Chan eventually let go of me and floated down the river, while Lang swam ahead of us to try to find a safe place for us to get out. I don't know, but somehow I ended up being far away (ahead) of everyone else because I was the one actually swimming around with the current, which had eventually calmed back down. Cory had ran down the banks to find me and encourage me to a place where it would be safe for me to get out (away from copperhead holes), where Lang had apparently told Justin and Chan to get out. I grabbed Cory's shoes she offered and ran down the banks to where Chan was.....and didn't leave him alone the rest of the weekend. I had a rough night sleeping that night. I kept dreaming that I didn't get to him in time. Chan must've realized what was going on during the night because he told me later that I had tossed and turned a lot and grabbed onto him in my sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how freaked out I was.
Sunday: We all slept late again and packed to go home. Chan and I went home first, with Lauren, Lang and Ena following. We spent the afternoon at Lang's apartment playing Mario Galaxy 2 and then watching Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay. All in all, despite the whole "River Fiasco" as I call it......it was a great weekend.

6 Months.....And Counting!

Okay, I'm getting to be a terrible blogger.

Since my last post, not much has happened with me except for the fact that I've been going to work each day and coming home. That, and I usually frequent Dunwoody, where Chan and his sister (and some of our friends) live.

I've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. Most of the time, I don't really have a lot of people around to talk to. Chan's been trying to help me with that, honestly. I'm not very good at expressing my feelings (especially those that pertain to him), so lately we've been arguing. I'm frustrated. I can't seem to get used to the fact that a guy actually wants to pay attention to me. In the past, I've been with a bunch of guys who just never cared.

Hence my irritation. I'm not used to having someone actually give a crap about why I'm in a depressive state, or in a very angry one. I'm used to getting really pissed with one person (and then having that person follow me around the house, yelling at me and feeding off my anger, which in turn makes me more angry that he's mad and following me......and it turns into this long, exhausting, vicious cycle.

My frustrations center around Chan lately. We've been having issues communicating. We both are of the single mindset where we bottle everything up until something triggers an explosion, which usually ends up hurting the ones we love the most. My irritation with Chan lately has been centered around the fact that we're both being hypocrites.

We're working on working it out, though, because we've both realized that what we have is rare and we both want this to be a good thing, and for us to grow as a couple.

That being said, I have a lot of insecurities about relationships. Mine have been less than stellar. I'm working on trying to learn from my mistakes in my other relationships while trying to not repeat them with Chan. We are celebrating our 6 month anniversary today (can you believe it? I know I can't!) and we're going on a mini roadtrip to see some friends of ours for a party at their apartment to celebrate their graduating from college.

Part of my problem with my relationship: I'm having to be integrated into a very close knit family. My own isn't really all that affectionate. My sister is married and has her own life, so I hardly ever see her (that, and she's 7 and 1/2 years older than me....although all of this stuff I'm saying isn't meant to be negative), and my dad is working through his own problems and has Connie, his fiance'. I'm usually on my own in dealing with stuff, because I can't exactly talk to them due to their busy schedules.

Then there's Chan's family. His sister is very sweet, and is a little younger than me. She understands where I'm coming from with my emotions (usually regarding her brother) and is willing to listen. Their mom is pretty cool as well. She's very sweet and has been very accepting of me. Their dad I don't know very well, but he seems nice when I see him. The whole family is very affectionate with one another and that's what's taking me some getting used to. That, and the fact that I'm still sometimes sore about my mother's death doesn't help either. Especially since his mom is so sweet.

It kind of messes me up because I have purposefully filed memories of my mom away in a corner of my heart. Being around his mom kind of makes me realize what I'm missing from my life (my mother was the staple of our family) and it's kind of making me replay old memories and I often go into a state of distress.

Acceptance is key....and I've got to learn to continue to move on.

Work has also not been very kind lately. I've been severely cut back at work, so I'm not making as much money as I'm used to. They are not being as civil as they used to be. We're slower now because we don't have that many appointments rolling in, so the stress from that is totally killing the atmosphere. We had a change in management recently and the new practice manager (even though I'm really trying to stay out of her way/be nice to her at all times/help out and go beyond my job description) and I aren't getting along. She's also head technician, so I realize she's under a lot of stress as well.

Chan's been trying to get me to get a job closer to Dunwoody so it would be easier for me to visit and maybe would help to keep my stress level as low as possible. With all of these new changes that we want to start making, I'm getting very stressed/depressed. I've realized that my job doesn't really make me happy anymore. I mean, I still love my animals, but what I really don't like is the hostile environment. It puts a lot of stress on the workers, and then NO ONE is happy.

I've been antisocial as well. I don't have a lot of energry lately because work zaps most everything I have out of me, and I don't really want to deal with anyone's craziness or bullshit. Chan is really enough of "craziness" I can handle on a good day. It's nothing personal, but I'm trying to work to change that behavior. It'll make Chan happier, but it'll also benefit me too.....because I'd like to have some new friends, maybe even a change of scenery.

Well, it's late. More later.

The Lake House

Okay, so once again, I am terrible at remembering to update this thing.

This past week was spent with Chan and Ena (as well as some of the most fabulous friends we have) at our friend Matt's lake house.

All I have to say is, wow....

Our vacation began last Saturday. It was Chan's Spring Break, so we were all excited to get away for a nice vacation. I had gotten the time off of work (and the permission to go from Dad, thanks to Chan and Ena for their help) so we went on our merry way.

Sunday, we ate out at Zaxby's. On Tuesday, we received word that this had happened:

Yep, that's right. That's the Zaxby's we had eaten at barely 36 hours later. Apparently, the whole thing caught on fire Monday night. As far as we know, no one was harmed. However, it left all of us craving Zaxby's.....and cherishing our new limited edition Zax Sauce.

The entire vacation, I haven't had a day go by without hearing from work. Apparently, everyone made a mess in their cage the night before (from Kim on Saturday through Wednesday) medicines were never filled/were missing (from Stasi on Thursday) and then a family member went into labor and could I come home and work.... (from Stasi Thursday through today)?

Meh. Thank God for Chan, who kept me laughing and mostly calm and collected. And for Matt, whose crazy antics kept me laughing the entire trip.

Anyway, not much else to report....other than THE LAKE HOUSE WAS AWESOME!!!!

BAZINGA!

Of Craziness And Friends.....

I have the best friends ever.

Literally, when I'm in a bad mood, they help me keep my chin up. For those that don't know me very well, I have a very dark personality with an even darker sense of humor. I sometimes identify myself with the pessimist Meredith Grey on Grey's Anatomy, except for the fact that I didn't sleep with most of the town of Boston. Like Meredith, I am an eternal pessimist. My friends have often said that I'm "dark and twisty". I love Edgar Allan Poe, one of the darkest poets who ever lived, who did nothing but drink and write creepy poems about the death of his wife and family.

Anyway...

I spent some time with Chan, his sister Ena, and Chan's friend Kenan tonight. I was very tired after a long day at work (that REFUSED to end!) and was unwilling to put up with anyone's BS. Chan called, and wanted me to come over and spend some time with him, saying his friend was coming too. I was under the impression that it was just going to be the 3 of us, but then Ena came along, which evened the ratio of girls/boys.

Ena's awesome. She never fails to make me laugh, and watching her interact with Chan sometimes can be far more entertaining to me than Discovery Channel's Shark Week. I guess that's what you get when you have siblings so close in age, as well as being so close emotionally as well. I'm not saying that my sister and I aren't close (because we are) but we're not AS close in comparison to Chan and Ena. I guess I've never had any of my friends REALLY be close to theur siblings, so this is all new to me.

And I guess I should point out a fatal flaw: I'm not used to having a guy who is so into me. I've always been with guys who were more into themselves. They never showed me one ounce of affection. So with Chan, I feel a little awkward. I talked to Ena (while Chan was off doing something) about it, and found a common ground with her on the subject. She knows I love her brother very much, but at least she knows I'm a little unnerved at times by how much her brother feels for me.It helps to talk to her to sort out some of the things I think about in my head. She's also very easy to joke around with, and isn't easy to offend.

Chan and I (along with Ena and Kenan) went to Walmart to look at some Nerf swords for a video Chan wants to shoot with his best friend, Matt. Chan and Ena were going through the swords and playing with them, even dueling! It was rather amusing. She bought a bubble wand and was running throughout the parking lot making bubbles, and it reminded me of the past I had forgotten, of my innocence and youth.

Good times.

Im Old on Valentine's Day

Okay, I guess I should really fill in the blanks for the last few days.

Valentine's Day: Chan had to work , so I went and spent the day with my very good friend, Angela. She and I used to work together at the first veterinary clinic I ever worked for, and we bonded and have stayed friends even though I left 4 years ago. We had a good day shopping together. She and I went to the Mall of Georgia to look for something nice to wear (as Chan was going to take me out to dinner that night). We'd shopped several different places and tried on a million different things. My dress ended up being a strapless gold one, completed with gold jewelry to match. That, and as soon as I got home, I curled my hair via curlers to make my hair a mountain of curls.

The things I do for this man of mine, I swear....

He took me to J Alexander's for dinner, which was very nice. We shared a steak and mashed potatoes (we had tried to substitute the mashed potatoes for Mac 'N Cheese, but they were out), and then we went to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. It was a really entertaining movie, really. Chan brought along my birthday gift as well (as we didn't know yet whether we'd be able to be together on my birthday) even though I told him NO gifts on Valentine's Day...... clever one found a loophole. I'm glad he did, because the amethyst necklace is gorgeous!

After that, comes my birthday, on February 17 (yesterday).

I'm officially old. I'm no longer 21. Anyway, I had to get up early to go to the bank and deposit my paycheck (so I'd have money to go and pay my tag on my car) and then drive after that to the tag office. That really wasn't much of a hassle. I then spent the rest of the morning cleaning my room in preparation for Chan's arrival. He arrived early, and we went to the Mall of Georgia for lunch, and then drove to Gwinnett Place Mall so that I could get my hair done. Sure, I made Chan wait, but he was easily entertained with his iPhone. Thank you, Apple. Really. You have saved my ass again.

After that, we went home for dinner (where I changed clothes and we (Dad, his fiancee Connie, Chan and myself) went out for dinner at Applebee's). The food was pretty good, but the wait was awful. Oh well. We went home afterward and ate my birthday cake that Dad bought (way to go, no chocolate on chocolate ensemble this year!) and I opened my presents, Chan helped Connie out with her laptop's issues, and then he and I went upstairs to be entertained watching South Park on my laptop. All in all, it was a good day. I'm glad Chan was here to keep me sane. I am a little concerned though, since he was feeling a little odd throughout the day. I hope he's better now, but we'll see...

Hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day, and has a good rest of the week!

Much love!