Yuck.
Recently, I've been observing fads that I've participated in in the past. The more I look back on them, the more I think, "what the hell was I thinking?". I have taken the time to explain some of the fads in paper...and I realize that I probably should claim insanity at this point.
1. Beanie Babies.
Remember those growing up? I had a ton of them...and still do (in my attic in a box somewhere). I remember the first few I've ever gotten. Ears the bunny rabbit, Lucky the lady bug, Legs the frog....I got my first ones for my 8th birthday. I remember my party vaguely....my sister was just learning how to drive, and under my mom's instruction, she was going to drive us around for the day. I remember being in the car several times before this when she would attempt to drive... and I remember it never seemed to last long. One particular time, she was almost so nervous, she drove towards the green utility box. Anyway, on my birthday, my friends Sara Gossett and Dale Brodnax were in the backseat with me as we were headed to our destination. I told them to "hang on to the beanie babies, and try to hang on for dear life if they still had room as well". Flash forward a few years later, to 1998. I was in the hospital for one of my numerous surgeries, and mom had gone down to the gift shop while I was sleeping to get me a little gift since I was getting depressed. She came back with Quackers the duck....and to my surprise, in her other hand....was the bear that TY had made to commemorate Princess Diana. I was in shock...and obviously, my mom had no idea about the significance of the gift. I told her that the bears were rare and should have been very expensive. Even my nurse asked where I got it. Within an hour, mom said that the gift shop was so busy, you couldn't even get in...and all the bears were gone. Looking back on it now, I realize the whole thing was more than a little absurd, but when I was 8 years old, I thought they were the greatest thing.
Which brings me to my next disturbing fad.
2. Pokemon.
Remember that HUGE fad back in the early 2000s with the cards, action figures, and movies? Well, back in the day, I somehow got yanked into that. I don't remember much of this fad, but I have two particular instances that I do remember. My sister's then boyfriend James had spent a ton of money on a holigraph Hitmonchan card, and I loved that thing. However, when my friend in Florida saw that I had it, he wanted it. He offered me 3 holigraph cards (Venosaur, Alakazam, and Clefairy) and I thought it was a good trade. However, James was slightly upset when I told him what I had done, and I went to see if I could get my card back from my friend. He wouldn't trade back....and I felt awful about it. The second memory I have about this particular fad was the first Pokemon movie. My mom had taken me and a few of my friends to see it....and she fell asleep during the short film before the movie. When it was all over, she woke up and asked if "that yellow thing stopped saying "Pikachu", to which I remember feeling slightly insulted.
3. Giga Pets/Tamagotchi.
Remember those? The little virtual animal games that were so addicting to take care of, and you thought you were totally awesome for having one? Then your pet died and you were frustrated because you had to start over? The ones that you might have taken to school with you and played with it in class to keep it alive? Yeah, I did all of that. Mom finally hid it from me...and I think she ended up throwing it away. Makes me laugh at the things I got so fascinated with as a kid. I blame my parents and our lack of animals in the house....if my sister and I had a dog or something to take care of, maybe I would have not been so compelled to not pay attention in class because of my portable pet on a keychain....
That's all of my childhood fads I remember right now....that, and I think my hands are starting to cramp from all the typing.
Much love!
Coco
Family is the best thing a person could ever have!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Into the Fire.....
So, since I've forgotten to update lately, here goes:
I'm officially 23 years old, and had a very awesome birthday celebration that lasted an entire week (thanks to my friends who all wanted to buy me a meal for my birthday present). It concluded with my sister taking me, her friend Arlene, and my friend Angela out to dinner at the Four Seasons in Dunwoody. That town still freaks me out.
Lately, I've realized I have a sleeping problem that is slowly causing my days to blend together. The last few nights, I've been going to bed at 5 AM (because I never can seem to get myself tired sooner) and then I've been sleeping until mid afternoon the next day. I've tried correcting this by going to bed earlier and trying to change my diet, but nothing seems to work.
I also attended Julie's bachelorette party 2 weeks ago. I was very apprehensive about it because all of Chan and Ena's friends would be there, and they haven't seen or heard from me in months. I was worried that there might be some animosity directed at me by everyone since I felt Chan had said that I was crazy and that the failure of our relationship was totally my fault, but I didn't really have to worry. Sure, it was awkward....but I let it go eventually and we all managed to have a good time. I also hung out with Chan's first girlfriend, Natalie, the next day to catch up. We used to be really close when Chan and I dated, and she took it upon herself to fill in the blanks of things that I missed out on and things I don't remember. Honestly? I'm glad I missed out on all the stuff she filled me in on. It sounded like WAAAAAYYYY too much high school drama for me.
I really, really need a life.
Coco
I'm officially 23 years old, and had a very awesome birthday celebration that lasted an entire week (thanks to my friends who all wanted to buy me a meal for my birthday present). It concluded with my sister taking me, her friend Arlene, and my friend Angela out to dinner at the Four Seasons in Dunwoody. That town still freaks me out.
Lately, I've realized I have a sleeping problem that is slowly causing my days to blend together. The last few nights, I've been going to bed at 5 AM (because I never can seem to get myself tired sooner) and then I've been sleeping until mid afternoon the next day. I've tried correcting this by going to bed earlier and trying to change my diet, but nothing seems to work.
I also attended Julie's bachelorette party 2 weeks ago. I was very apprehensive about it because all of Chan and Ena's friends would be there, and they haven't seen or heard from me in months. I was worried that there might be some animosity directed at me by everyone since I felt Chan had said that I was crazy and that the failure of our relationship was totally my fault, but I didn't really have to worry. Sure, it was awkward....but I let it go eventually and we all managed to have a good time. I also hung out with Chan's first girlfriend, Natalie, the next day to catch up. We used to be really close when Chan and I dated, and she took it upon herself to fill in the blanks of things that I missed out on and things I don't remember. Honestly? I'm glad I missed out on all the stuff she filled me in on. It sounded like WAAAAAYYYY too much high school drama for me.
I really, really need a life.
Coco
Friday, February 11, 2011
Paper Gangsta (An Interesting Conundrum)
Yet again with people contacting me!
This time, the person in question was that of my old swimming teammate, Owen. We met sophomore year on the swim team, and had a few classes (German only) together until May 2005. The following year, he completely changed tracks and headed to McCallie, a boarding/military school. He has always wanted to be in some branch of the military.
He chose the Navy.
I hadn't thought too much about him (except for the occasional memory that would randomly pop up). I was somewhat distracted when we were in close quarters during high school, and got irritated with everything at the drop of a hat. I was mentally drained from mom's illness, and then there was the happy distraction of my boyfriend at the time. I never even looked much in his direction. He was more of an irritation to me in the sense that he would "tug at my pigtails" because of my refusal to acknowledge his presence. He was "the hottest guy on the team" but I had no interest. The fact that he irritated me was enough for me to keep ignoring him, which made him try harder....with zest.
The other day, I realized I never read anything in my yearbooks that my mom bought me. While perusing through signatures and the traditional "have a good summers", I come across Owen's familiar scrawl in my 2005 edition of The Paragon.
He had gone to prom with me and my boyfriend as my friend Megan's date. The humiliating events of that night came flooding back to me in living color as I read what he had to say.
"Kristen,
Prom war so spass (I cringed here and edited this after reading; I'm somewhat of a grammar Nazi in German). Really, you looked great and I had a great time. Erik is a neat guy, so good choice anyway.
Bye,
OK"
This message seriously left me going, "WHAT. THE. HELL." So I asked my friend Matt, who I later found out knows Owen, about his thoughts on the matter. He seems to think that Owen might have had some sort of crush on me back in the day....which gave me a conflicted feeling. If this were true, how could I not have seen this?
I then showed him my message I had written Owen on Facebook, and also Owen's reply. I am supposed to be in Florida about an hour and a half away from the Naval base where he is in May (for a bachelorette party for my friend Susan, but also to visit mine and my sister's grandmother) and wanted to know whether or not Owen would be interested in meeting me at all for lunch one day in order to catch up on things.
His reply? "Sure! That would be great! Pensacola is fun."
Matt reiterates, "Yeah, he has a thing for you. He knows how that was going to be read. There's no way in hell he would be so enthusiastic if he didn't, or if you were just a friend."
So I'm confused now.
Stupid boys.
This time, the person in question was that of my old swimming teammate, Owen. We met sophomore year on the swim team, and had a few classes (German only) together until May 2005. The following year, he completely changed tracks and headed to McCallie, a boarding/military school. He has always wanted to be in some branch of the military.
He chose the Navy.
I hadn't thought too much about him (except for the occasional memory that would randomly pop up). I was somewhat distracted when we were in close quarters during high school, and got irritated with everything at the drop of a hat. I was mentally drained from mom's illness, and then there was the happy distraction of my boyfriend at the time. I never even looked much in his direction. He was more of an irritation to me in the sense that he would "tug at my pigtails" because of my refusal to acknowledge his presence. He was "the hottest guy on the team" but I had no interest. The fact that he irritated me was enough for me to keep ignoring him, which made him try harder....with zest.
The other day, I realized I never read anything in my yearbooks that my mom bought me. While perusing through signatures and the traditional "have a good summers", I come across Owen's familiar scrawl in my 2005 edition of The Paragon.
He had gone to prom with me and my boyfriend as my friend Megan's date. The humiliating events of that night came flooding back to me in living color as I read what he had to say.
"Kristen,
Prom war so spass (I cringed here and edited this after reading; I'm somewhat of a grammar Nazi in German). Really, you looked great and I had a great time. Erik is a neat guy, so good choice anyway.
Bye,
OK"
This message seriously left me going, "WHAT. THE. HELL." So I asked my friend Matt, who I later found out knows Owen, about his thoughts on the matter. He seems to think that Owen might have had some sort of crush on me back in the day....which gave me a conflicted feeling. If this were true, how could I not have seen this?
I then showed him my message I had written Owen on Facebook, and also Owen's reply. I am supposed to be in Florida about an hour and a half away from the Naval base where he is in May (for a bachelorette party for my friend Susan, but also to visit mine and my sister's grandmother) and wanted to know whether or not Owen would be interested in meeting me at all for lunch one day in order to catch up on things.
His reply? "Sure! That would be great! Pensacola is fun."
Matt reiterates, "Yeah, he has a thing for you. He knows how that was going to be read. There's no way in hell he would be so enthusiastic if he didn't, or if you were just a friend."
So I'm confused now.
Stupid boys.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Liberty Walk
So, I guess more updating is in order.
I reiterate this....I'm so glad I'm returning to normal. I'm searching for a full time job, and it's slow going. However, that's okay....I'm keeping positive by knowing that someday, my efforts won't go on unnoticed and someone will take a chance on me.
Even though I've been extremely stressed, I have my sister and friends (Brianne, Britt, Michelle, Hannah, Sara and Angela) to bring me back to Earth. They keep me laughing and smiling...and I know as long as I have them, nothing can stand in my way.
Another notable person in my life is a quiet pinnacle. Someone who I had pushed aside several years ago way back when, but who has now become one of my best friends. His name?
Rami.
The nature of our relationship has been the weirdest friendship ever. We had met in 2003 in chorus. He was a freshman, and I a sophomore. Rami was (and still is) this adorable, fun-loving kid that used to irritate the hell out of our teacher. For years, I thought of him as my little brother....even though he's only 9 months younger.
So, we were talking one day. Apparently he and his girlfriend went through a nasty breakup around the same time I had. We talked each other through it for hours, and eventually developed a friendship out of it. We share jokes, and even toss around ideas of hanging out when he comes to visit next time.
Oh, yeah.....by the way.....Rami is in Minnesota.
And the next thing came as an absolute shock to me.
We were chatting one day, when out of the blue, he blurts out, "I really had a thing for you in high school."
To this day, this still stuns me. Here I was, sitting at my computer after this bomb has been dropped, and I couldn't think of anything real to say. I think I said, "Awww....." in response, but that got me thinking.
My ideals from back when I was in high school have changed. Back then, I would never consider a guy if he was even a day younger than me. I know that's a little outlandish, but I didn't like the idea of being "the older woman".
I didn't ask him about what he thinks of me now, but I'd guess that from the rest of our resulting conversations that things haven't changed a bit. So this has me wondering what things would be like if he were closer. Would we be in a relationship? Or would things get so terribly awkward between us that we'd stay friends....or worse, I'd lose him? I don't think I could live with losing another good friend....especially not after losing Heath.
Heath was a learning experience, and a rebound of sorts in many ways. It was, however, doomed from the start. We worked together, and even that has changed now. He and I basically went from texting a bunch daily to hardly speaking. Even our coworkers have noticed something's off. We've never addressed it's over, but at this point, who cares?It's not as though we're speaking, anyway. That, and he was being kind of jerk-ish anyway.
So I have a dilemma. Or....not really, since the distance between me and Rami kind of effectively answers a lot of questions.
It doesn't keep me from wondering, though....
Coco
I reiterate this....I'm so glad I'm returning to normal. I'm searching for a full time job, and it's slow going. However, that's okay....I'm keeping positive by knowing that someday, my efforts won't go on unnoticed and someone will take a chance on me.
Even though I've been extremely stressed, I have my sister and friends (Brianne, Britt, Michelle, Hannah, Sara and Angela) to bring me back to Earth. They keep me laughing and smiling...and I know as long as I have them, nothing can stand in my way.
Another notable person in my life is a quiet pinnacle. Someone who I had pushed aside several years ago way back when, but who has now become one of my best friends. His name?
Rami.
The nature of our relationship has been the weirdest friendship ever. We had met in 2003 in chorus. He was a freshman, and I a sophomore. Rami was (and still is) this adorable, fun-loving kid that used to irritate the hell out of our teacher. For years, I thought of him as my little brother....even though he's only 9 months younger.
So, we were talking one day. Apparently he and his girlfriend went through a nasty breakup around the same time I had. We talked each other through it for hours, and eventually developed a friendship out of it. We share jokes, and even toss around ideas of hanging out when he comes to visit next time.
Oh, yeah.....by the way.....Rami is in Minnesota.
And the next thing came as an absolute shock to me.
We were chatting one day, when out of the blue, he blurts out, "I really had a thing for you in high school."
To this day, this still stuns me. Here I was, sitting at my computer after this bomb has been dropped, and I couldn't think of anything real to say. I think I said, "Awww....." in response, but that got me thinking.
My ideals from back when I was in high school have changed. Back then, I would never consider a guy if he was even a day younger than me. I know that's a little outlandish, but I didn't like the idea of being "the older woman".
I didn't ask him about what he thinks of me now, but I'd guess that from the rest of our resulting conversations that things haven't changed a bit. So this has me wondering what things would be like if he were closer. Would we be in a relationship? Or would things get so terribly awkward between us that we'd stay friends....or worse, I'd lose him? I don't think I could live with losing another good friend....especially not after losing Heath.
Heath was a learning experience, and a rebound of sorts in many ways. It was, however, doomed from the start. We worked together, and even that has changed now. He and I basically went from texting a bunch daily to hardly speaking. Even our coworkers have noticed something's off. We've never addressed it's over, but at this point, who cares?It's not as though we're speaking, anyway. That, and he was being kind of jerk-ish anyway.
So I have a dilemma. Or....not really, since the distance between me and Rami kind of effectively answers a lot of questions.
It doesn't keep me from wondering, though....
Coco
Other Side of Down
I kind of forgot my password to this thing. That, and for a while there, I had lost my drive to write. Let's just say that the "old Kristen" everyone knew and loved....is back again, and ready to party.
Speaking of parties, I'm extremely excited about two things for this year:
1. My dear friends Chris and Julie's wedding at the end of May!
2. My sister and best friend, Susan Pierce, is getting married to the love of her life the first weekend in June!
First of all, I'm blessed to be invited (well, in Susan's I'm a bridesmaid) to both events. They've all played an irreplaceable part in my life....and help get me through the darkness into the light (and on the path that I am now).
On Chris and Julie:
My meeting them both is a little fuzzy, but I know this much: I would never have been breathing at times without them. They have saved my life more times than I can remember. I met Julie first in 2007 in our Biology class with Dr. Quartemus. I remember vaguely choosing to sit next to her....and then I asked her a question. She meowed at me. That was the weirdest response I have ever gotten from another human being! But, I meowed at her back. From then on, we'd meow at each other. Halfway through the semester, I suffered another setback. I had to have another surgery for my shunt.... and Julie helped me get my assignments for class. She said she went up to Dr. Q to get them and told him she was a friend of mine (and that I was in the hospital). "His response was to blink", she said, "But then he said, "The girl you meow with?"" Julie laughs and then says, "I was like, "Oh, shit, you heard us?""
I met Chris in August 2007, only a few days after my incident with another kid on campus (we all know his name by now). I was afraid of everything male. I couldn't sleep, but when I did, I'd have nightmares replaying the incident. I was placed on several different drugs to help deal with the pain/insomnia/depression, but some things you can't fix with pills. Anyway, Chris came up to me in the crowded Suite Center and hugged me. He said I "stiffened up like a board, and that everyone in the room was giving him the "eat shit and die" look." He was the first guy I had ever relaxed enough around and let him hug me. It was weird at first, considering I was scared and I had no idea who he was, but eventually I learned that he was Julie's boyfriend. He's now one of the sweetest, most protective people I know. Together, they've been through a lot of my health issues (one involved me stripping.....although I swear I don't remember this!) and I've helped them deal with various issues of theirs. They're my brother and sister. They gave me a great gift.....a family. I know I had a family to begin with, but they couldn't always be there or understand what I was going through. Sometimes, I just needed someone to listen and not judge me. And they've done that. I'm excited for this new chapter in their lives.
On Susan:
Susan is really the first friend I've ever had. She's known me since I was born. Her older sister and my sister are best friends, and when I was born, Susan got someone to play with. She and I share a love of dance and animals. We have attended numerous dance recitals that each other were in. Her parents are mine and my sister's adopted parents, and vice versa. One of my favorite memories of us was when we all were together (Maggie, Susan, Michelle and I) and we'd play dress up using the box of clothes that were in the attic. We used to play things like, "doctor" and Susan and I would often play with the dollhouses her parents had made for them. Because I loved it so much, mom and dad eventually made one for me as well. We take care of each other. I'm glad to be a part of this new chapter in her life as well. Susan is very sweet and deserving of every good thing she's ever gotten. I know that if I ever needed anything, I could always call up not only my biological sister, but Susan as well.
So many positives in my life, and so many blessings! It's been a long, hard road for me, but things are getting better!
Love to you all,
Coco
Speaking of parties, I'm extremely excited about two things for this year:
1. My dear friends Chris and Julie's wedding at the end of May!
2. My sister and best friend, Susan Pierce, is getting married to the love of her life the first weekend in June!
First of all, I'm blessed to be invited (well, in Susan's I'm a bridesmaid) to both events. They've all played an irreplaceable part in my life....and help get me through the darkness into the light (and on the path that I am now).
On Chris and Julie:
My meeting them both is a little fuzzy, but I know this much: I would never have been breathing at times without them. They have saved my life more times than I can remember. I met Julie first in 2007 in our Biology class with Dr. Quartemus. I remember vaguely choosing to sit next to her....and then I asked her a question. She meowed at me. That was the weirdest response I have ever gotten from another human being! But, I meowed at her back. From then on, we'd meow at each other. Halfway through the semester, I suffered another setback. I had to have another surgery for my shunt.... and Julie helped me get my assignments for class. She said she went up to Dr. Q to get them and told him she was a friend of mine (and that I was in the hospital). "His response was to blink", she said, "But then he said, "The girl you meow with?"" Julie laughs and then says, "I was like, "Oh, shit, you heard us?""
I met Chris in August 2007, only a few days after my incident with another kid on campus (we all know his name by now). I was afraid of everything male. I couldn't sleep, but when I did, I'd have nightmares replaying the incident. I was placed on several different drugs to help deal with the pain/insomnia/depression, but some things you can't fix with pills. Anyway, Chris came up to me in the crowded Suite Center and hugged me. He said I "stiffened up like a board, and that everyone in the room was giving him the "eat shit and die" look." He was the first guy I had ever relaxed enough around and let him hug me. It was weird at first, considering I was scared and I had no idea who he was, but eventually I learned that he was Julie's boyfriend. He's now one of the sweetest, most protective people I know. Together, they've been through a lot of my health issues (one involved me stripping.....although I swear I don't remember this!) and I've helped them deal with various issues of theirs. They're my brother and sister. They gave me a great gift.....a family. I know I had a family to begin with, but they couldn't always be there or understand what I was going through. Sometimes, I just needed someone to listen and not judge me. And they've done that. I'm excited for this new chapter in their lives.
On Susan:
Susan is really the first friend I've ever had. She's known me since I was born. Her older sister and my sister are best friends, and when I was born, Susan got someone to play with. She and I share a love of dance and animals. We have attended numerous dance recitals that each other were in. Her parents are mine and my sister's adopted parents, and vice versa. One of my favorite memories of us was when we all were together (Maggie, Susan, Michelle and I) and we'd play dress up using the box of clothes that were in the attic. We used to play things like, "doctor" and Susan and I would often play with the dollhouses her parents had made for them. Because I loved it so much, mom and dad eventually made one for me as well. We take care of each other. I'm glad to be a part of this new chapter in her life as well. Susan is very sweet and deserving of every good thing she's ever gotten. I know that if I ever needed anything, I could always call up not only my biological sister, but Susan as well.
So many positives in my life, and so many blessings! It's been a long, hard road for me, but things are getting better!
Love to you all,
Coco
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Permanent December (Don't Try To Change Me).
Okay, the past month and a half has been the hardest to get through.
First of all, I lost my job AND Chan in the span of a month. However, I've decided to be an optimist about the whole thing. Chan was growing increasingly upset as our relationship progressed. We fought all the time about pointless things. We just weren't happy.
On my job: Well, I basically lost it because I was walking around after my nasty breakup with Chan two days before like someone had run over my dog. I couldn't function. I had lost my love and best friend. I was already miserable before I started dating Chan. I had a job I absolutely despised. I felt like the biggest failure. All of my friends were going off to college and doing new and exciting things. I felt like the biggest loser because here I was, 22 and living at home, with no college degree (no plans to return to college). Chan made me feel good about myself because he didn't seem to care that I wasn't in college. He understood I had no means to do so. He understood my situation. And yet, with all the sweet things he was trying to do for me, I still slid into a deeper depression. So when I lost my job, I was stunned. However, I quickly jumped into action. The day I lost my job, I updated my resume and literally went everywhere I could think of and filled out applications/sent out my resume. I ended up being unemployed for a grand total of 3 days, and hired and working again by day 4. I currently work for Fanatic Fanz, a sports apparel and accessory franchise. I absolutely love it! The atmosphere is so much better. The people are so much nicer, and the work is less physically taxing. The thing about my working at a vet was, I was the only one strong enough to lift 100+ pound dogs by myself. I was starting to exhibit joint issues, and my back was constantly giving me trouble. For a while there, I could hardly move my neck without it hurting. With this new job, I rarely have to lift heavy things. My back and joints are recovering nicely. I was offered a position at our newest location on top of working at Mall of Georgia, and I start tomorrow. Everything is slowly falling into place.
On Chan: Let me make this very, very clear: I still love him very, very much. More than I should, really...and more than I would ever tell him. I hate to say it, but our breakup was a good thing. It pushed me to try to get some help....try to rebuild my life from the ground up to be a better, and more positive version of me. I'm getting to spend some quality time getting to know my friends again, and try to be more active in their lives. I'm ignoring my previous thoughts that I was a loser and failure because at the end of the day, they are in the same boat (or some of them are, anyway, that have just graduated) that I was a few months ago.... unemployed, and struggling to find a job. I have sympathy, really. I know how hard and competitive the workforce is. For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook and have seen some of my cruel statuses and notes regarding Chan, that was just my pain shining through. I still love him, and I still want him. However, I know that the sun has set on that relationship. If the situation would arise that Chan wanted me when he was sure he was ready (and happy with himself and where his life was) I would happily try again. However, I know he has a long road ahead, as he is still in school and has an impending (and daunting) job search ahead of him. He taught me so many things about myself I never knew....that I had it in me to love someone to the tips of my fingers and toes, to the fact that letting go of my past is something that's long overdue. That's where my depression mostly stems from: my past. He also taught me that not all men are evil. I might have run in to quite a bit of trouble in the dating world (and outside of it in the friendship world with one person in particular), but he showed me that he was patient and kind, willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him. Gentle, but firm when he needed to be. I wouldn't trade a minute with him....or any of our kisses, memories, etc....for anything.
However, I'm living my life for ME now. That's long overdue. I'm looking to the future with an open mind. However, I'd be lying if I were to say that my heart feels like it's still Chan's. And I'm comfortable with keeping it that way. We're just friends now. I'm so glad for that. After all, we started out being friends first. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want...but if you try you just might find....you get what you need". I believe I need to be his friend now. It may not be what I want, but I don't think I could handle being without him. He's been through my darkest hours with me. I owe him my deepest gratitude.
Life's what you make it.....so MAKE IT ROCK!
First of all, I lost my job AND Chan in the span of a month. However, I've decided to be an optimist about the whole thing. Chan was growing increasingly upset as our relationship progressed. We fought all the time about pointless things. We just weren't happy.
On my job: Well, I basically lost it because I was walking around after my nasty breakup with Chan two days before like someone had run over my dog. I couldn't function. I had lost my love and best friend. I was already miserable before I started dating Chan. I had a job I absolutely despised. I felt like the biggest failure. All of my friends were going off to college and doing new and exciting things. I felt like the biggest loser because here I was, 22 and living at home, with no college degree (no plans to return to college). Chan made me feel good about myself because he didn't seem to care that I wasn't in college. He understood I had no means to do so. He understood my situation. And yet, with all the sweet things he was trying to do for me, I still slid into a deeper depression. So when I lost my job, I was stunned. However, I quickly jumped into action. The day I lost my job, I updated my resume and literally went everywhere I could think of and filled out applications/sent out my resume. I ended up being unemployed for a grand total of 3 days, and hired and working again by day 4. I currently work for Fanatic Fanz, a sports apparel and accessory franchise. I absolutely love it! The atmosphere is so much better. The people are so much nicer, and the work is less physically taxing. The thing about my working at a vet was, I was the only one strong enough to lift 100+ pound dogs by myself. I was starting to exhibit joint issues, and my back was constantly giving me trouble. For a while there, I could hardly move my neck without it hurting. With this new job, I rarely have to lift heavy things. My back and joints are recovering nicely. I was offered a position at our newest location on top of working at Mall of Georgia, and I start tomorrow. Everything is slowly falling into place.
On Chan: Let me make this very, very clear: I still love him very, very much. More than I should, really...and more than I would ever tell him. I hate to say it, but our breakup was a good thing. It pushed me to try to get some help....try to rebuild my life from the ground up to be a better, and more positive version of me. I'm getting to spend some quality time getting to know my friends again, and try to be more active in their lives. I'm ignoring my previous thoughts that I was a loser and failure because at the end of the day, they are in the same boat (or some of them are, anyway, that have just graduated) that I was a few months ago.... unemployed, and struggling to find a job. I have sympathy, really. I know how hard and competitive the workforce is. For those of you who are friends of mine on Facebook and have seen some of my cruel statuses and notes regarding Chan, that was just my pain shining through. I still love him, and I still want him. However, I know that the sun has set on that relationship. If the situation would arise that Chan wanted me when he was sure he was ready (and happy with himself and where his life was) I would happily try again. However, I know he has a long road ahead, as he is still in school and has an impending (and daunting) job search ahead of him. He taught me so many things about myself I never knew....that I had it in me to love someone to the tips of my fingers and toes, to the fact that letting go of my past is something that's long overdue. That's where my depression mostly stems from: my past. He also taught me that not all men are evil. I might have run in to quite a bit of trouble in the dating world (and outside of it in the friendship world with one person in particular), but he showed me that he was patient and kind, willing to do whatever it took to get me to trust him. Gentle, but firm when he needed to be. I wouldn't trade a minute with him....or any of our kisses, memories, etc....for anything.
However, I'm living my life for ME now. That's long overdue. I'm looking to the future with an open mind. However, I'd be lying if I were to say that my heart feels like it's still Chan's. And I'm comfortable with keeping it that way. We're just friends now. I'm so glad for that. After all, we started out being friends first. As the song goes, "You can't always get what you want...but if you try you just might find....you get what you need". I believe I need to be his friend now. It may not be what I want, but I don't think I could handle being without him. He's been through my darkest hours with me. I owe him my deepest gratitude.
Life's what you make it.....so MAKE IT ROCK!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Independence...sort of.
So, this last week I've been slowly cutting the old apron strings that a certain parental unit has decided to tie around me.
How did I do that, pray tell? I got my very own cell phone and cell phone plan.
That, in itself, was a retarded adventure. I had been telling Chan for months that I would like to get my own plan and phone in the hopes of building credit and possibly working my way to getting to move out of the house. Chan had offered to help with this on several occasions, convincing me that I should go with his carrier, AT&T. I'm currently on Verizon, having changed FROM AT&T two years ago due to AT&T's uncanny ability to lose coverage when I needed it most.
Exhibit A: I had to get in my bed at college (which was lofted) and then do some very interesting acrobatics/acts of contortionism in order to get my phone to work. I had absolutely no coverage with AT&T for two years during my freshman and sophomore years. My friend Angela, who also had AT&T, found it very hard to talk to me. I could only get in a spot and stay still for 5 minutes before I would completely lose her.
With Verizon, I had no problems. The quality of the phones were even better. Hell, the phone I had for almost all of my two year contract with them lasted a year and a half, when I went to dinner with Angela (while talking to Chan during dinner via text messaging) and I looked down in my lap to see that my phone was off.
Puzzled, I asked Angela if she saw me turn my phone off. When she said no, I tried to turn the phone back on. It gave me the screen of death (the mulitcolored background you get from a dying TV or when they do emergency testing) and refused to turn back on again. The new phone I had is still going, but I kind of hate it.
Anyway, I befriended the manager of the Verizon Cellular Sales kiosk somehow. Angela and I had gone in to see how much it would cost me to get my own plan. The guy (who is totally awesome and I highly recommend him to any new Verizon customers) told me he'd sell me the phone for less than the asking price, and that the only thing I would have to pay for THAT day would be the phone. I chickened out, but he told me to keep his number just in case I decided to go into it sometime in the future.
And here's where the mess from hell begins.
I told Chan last Wednesday to be at my house at 10:00 so that we could go get me a cell phone plan. Chan showed up at my house (tired, as per usual) and we set off in search of a plan. We went to Best Buy Mobile and started getting things set up, when I discovered (to my shock) that there was a major roadblock: AT&T was going to charge me $500 to start up a line (not including the phone) due to my having no credit. We then went to a real AT&T retail store and got the same answer.
Pissed, I then remembered what the guy from the Verizon Sales Kiosk said, and I dug the number out of my wallet and called. The guy took a minute to remember who I was (since it was almost 2 months since I last saw him) but he remembered because of the shirt I was wearing that day, and my overly giggly friend Angela. He told me he'd be at the store at 4, and to come by and we'd negotiate things.
Since we were already headed to the mall (and it was noon) we decided to eat some lunch and then putz around the mall. We called a friend of his (who is totally nice, by the way) and we hung out around Barnes and Noble having debates over various things. He came with us to see the Verizon guy....and Chan and Brent watched us as we negotiated.
I went with the LG enV Touch. I absolutely LOVE it! It holds its battery charge very well, and I can easily access the internet if need be. He got me a deal to where I would only have to pay $175/$200 for it, and I'd get a $100 mail in rebate. The best part was, I didn't have to pay a dime to start the line up, AND he waived some of the charges just because I came to see him.
This is why I totally love Verizon. <3
All in all, the whole trip was successful, even though I hit a roadblock and whatever.
How did I do that, pray tell? I got my very own cell phone and cell phone plan.
That, in itself, was a retarded adventure. I had been telling Chan for months that I would like to get my own plan and phone in the hopes of building credit and possibly working my way to getting to move out of the house. Chan had offered to help with this on several occasions, convincing me that I should go with his carrier, AT&T. I'm currently on Verizon, having changed FROM AT&T two years ago due to AT&T's uncanny ability to lose coverage when I needed it most.
Exhibit A: I had to get in my bed at college (which was lofted) and then do some very interesting acrobatics/acts of contortionism in order to get my phone to work. I had absolutely no coverage with AT&T for two years during my freshman and sophomore years. My friend Angela, who also had AT&T, found it very hard to talk to me. I could only get in a spot and stay still for 5 minutes before I would completely lose her.
With Verizon, I had no problems. The quality of the phones were even better. Hell, the phone I had for almost all of my two year contract with them lasted a year and a half, when I went to dinner with Angela (while talking to Chan during dinner via text messaging) and I looked down in my lap to see that my phone was off.
Puzzled, I asked Angela if she saw me turn my phone off. When she said no, I tried to turn the phone back on. It gave me the screen of death (the mulitcolored background you get from a dying TV or when they do emergency testing) and refused to turn back on again. The new phone I had is still going, but I kind of hate it.
Anyway, I befriended the manager of the Verizon Cellular Sales kiosk somehow. Angela and I had gone in to see how much it would cost me to get my own plan. The guy (who is totally awesome and I highly recommend him to any new Verizon customers) told me he'd sell me the phone for less than the asking price, and that the only thing I would have to pay for THAT day would be the phone. I chickened out, but he told me to keep his number just in case I decided to go into it sometime in the future.
And here's where the mess from hell begins.
I told Chan last Wednesday to be at my house at 10:00 so that we could go get me a cell phone plan. Chan showed up at my house (tired, as per usual) and we set off in search of a plan. We went to Best Buy Mobile and started getting things set up, when I discovered (to my shock) that there was a major roadblock: AT&T was going to charge me $500 to start up a line (not including the phone) due to my having no credit. We then went to a real AT&T retail store and got the same answer.
Pissed, I then remembered what the guy from the Verizon Sales Kiosk said, and I dug the number out of my wallet and called. The guy took a minute to remember who I was (since it was almost 2 months since I last saw him) but he remembered because of the shirt I was wearing that day, and my overly giggly friend Angela. He told me he'd be at the store at 4, and to come by and we'd negotiate things.
Since we were already headed to the mall (and it was noon) we decided to eat some lunch and then putz around the mall. We called a friend of his (who is totally nice, by the way) and we hung out around Barnes and Noble having debates over various things. He came with us to see the Verizon guy....and Chan and Brent watched us as we negotiated.
I went with the LG enV Touch. I absolutely LOVE it! It holds its battery charge very well, and I can easily access the internet if need be. He got me a deal to where I would only have to pay $175/$200 for it, and I'd get a $100 mail in rebate. The best part was, I didn't have to pay a dime to start the line up, AND he waived some of the charges just because I came to see him.
This is why I totally love Verizon. <3
All in all, the whole trip was successful, even though I hit a roadblock and whatever.
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